I realize that I haven’t clearly defined what this blog is all about for me until now (January 23rd, 2017). So, I want to be completely honest and unambiguous. I don’t know what I believe. I have no conviction about God or Gods or Spirits, but I am spiritual. I have a deep, endless desire to connect to something beyond what I see, to be taken up by something greater than me. I am Catholic born, raised, and confirmed, so I harbor deep spiritual biases and wounds left by an institution without true female role models. How am I supposed to connect to something so limiting? The holy women of Christianity are meek and forgiving in ways I could never be and don’t particularly aspire to be. I am full of rage and joy for who I am and how I want to be as a woman. Kali gave me that, the ability to see myself and all that I could be in a higher power. Part of the appeal of the goddess Kali is that even if She does not exist as a being, She exists as a spiritual Truth. She is undeniable to me. While I have been in touch with Kali and Hindu and Buddhist spirituality for roughly two years, I have only become aware of the greater realm of Paganism within a year, when I took a college course that changed my life. Since then, I have discovered Gods and Goddesses of various traditions. I am still considering the level of their realities and their place within a divine hierarchy, but for now, I want to acknowledge them as holy powers and see where that gets me spiritually. I’ve mostly been attracted to Goddesses, undoubtedly because I am a woman who has been starved of the Divine Feminine my entire life, but I’ve grown fond of certain Gods. That having been said, it’s almost impossible for me to actively function as a Pagan because I live in two places; a staunchly Catholic household and a dorm room in a Catholic college. At this point, I’ve acquired roughly three Buddha statues and one Kali statue, and I have to downplay their meaning to my parents as cultural artifacts. I have so many questions about Pagan theology and about being a good Pagan practitioner. Moreover, my spiritual journey has left me in a completely ambiguous moral space. It’s easy for me to espouse Christian values- I have a strong sense of guilt for actions that are wrong to Christians and permissible to Pagans, even as I intellectually permit them. I am often torn between utilitarianism and moral dogmatism with no one source of guidance. I only have my own, deeply conflicted mind. This is where I am. I want to share my thoughts, my struggles, and my hopes, because I am always learning from those of others, and I hope that I can one day find spiritual peace and acceptance.
My name is Alexandra, and I am a young woman struggling to resolve my spiritual turmoil. I was raised Catholic, but now consider myself an eclectic pagan. Please read my About section and Personal Theology statement for more information on the purpose and background of this blog.